Usually when we say we’re going to give ourselves a gift or treat ourselves to something we’re talking about buying an expensive outfit or indulging in a hot fudge sundae with M&Ms on top. But what if a doctor tells a woman that her health is dependant on the improvement of her diet? In that case shouldn’t the woman’s decision to forgo the sundae with M&Ms in favor of a fat free frozen yogurt with almonds be considered her way of treating herself to good health?
I’ve been thinking a lot about those kinds of gifts lately. You see today is my birthday. I’m 33 and I’ve spent the weekend taking stock of my life as well as the state of a budding relationship that I’ve been in. I really care about the man whom I’ve been dating but I see that there are big problems on the horizon. It became clear to me that unless we got on the same page regarding a few key issues our romance would become more destructive than emotionally fulfilling. So I sat down and talked to him the night before my actual birthday. I told him what I needed from him and as I predicted he told me that as much as he wanted to make me happy (and he did) he was not presently able to give me those things. It was tempting to just turn a blind eye to our problems but doing so would have required certain emotional sacrifices on my part that I am not comfortable with. So I dabbed my tears away and ended it. Right before I walked out the door I noted the time. 12:30 am. I was breaking up with this man on my birthday.
The next morning and afternoon many of my friends called to wish me well on my “special day” and one by one I told them what I had done. Everyone supported my decision and told me I was doing the right thing but it was my friend Mika who really got me to look at the situation in the most interesting light. After listening to the reasons for my decision and boosting my ego by telling me that he would never do better than “a beautiful, intelligent, successful woman who respected his need for space and independence,” she stated that she thought it was wonderful that I would treat myself to this break-up on my birthday. I hesitated and asked her to explain.
“You know your own worth Kyra and when he wasn’t able to be there for you in the way you deserved you moved on and gave yourself a fresh start for your birthday. If that isn’t an incredible gift I don’t know what is.”
And you know what? She’s right. It is a gift. I can’t say that I’m enjoying it that much today any more than the woman who wanted the ice cream is really all that thrilled about the frozen yogurt but in the long run I know I will appreciate this present more than anything I could have bought myself in a store.
So it’s been a bittersweet birthday, but given the current circumstances I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Kyra Davis
www.kyradavis.com
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22 comments:
Happy Birthday Kyra! I have a former friend who timed all her break-ups AFTER major gift giving holidays. She called it parting gifts. I called it using people. Hence, the reason she's a former friend. My respect for you as a person grows with each of your blog posts. Good for you!
Happy Belated Birthday Kyra! You are such an awesome person to have been able to this and still stay strong! You clearly know what you want! Good for you. Remember that Karma gives you what you give out, and Karma will repay you. You deserve the best!
Kyra,
I was just reading your bio and I see that you were raised in Santa Cruz! I work in Santa Cruz! OMG. Made me feel nice inside, knowing that you have some ties to this awesome little place! Cool....
Thanks for the birthday wishes!
tmaxtexas--I can't imagine doing what your ex-friend did. Not only is it unfair to her boyfriends but it seems to me that holding off on a break-up for the sake of getting a gift translates into spending entire holidays in nervous anticipation of the inevitable confrontation to come. How fun can that be? I know that the man I was seeing had a present that he was preparing to give me (we went out a few nights before my B-Day with friends to celebrate but he didn't give it to me then because he wanted to give it to me on my actual B-Day). I just hope that whatever it is it's returnable or tickets to something that he would like to go to with another friend.
Nana--Yes, I suppose I know what I want. Mostly I think I'm just very self-aware. I certainly hope you're right about the Karma thing. I have lots of ties to Santa Cruz. Most of my family is there. It's a wonderful city and anyone who hasn't visited should try to find the time to do so.
Happy Birthday, Kyra. It's all going to turn out for the best. Remember, we talked about this? How things that seem painful and icky always end up having been necessary for the things that end up being most excellent to arrive? Trust me on this one. Big hugs!!!
Yes, I do remember and you're absolutely right Alisa. I learned a lot about myself during this last brief relationship and the break-up proved to be equally enlightening. So no regrets...just a low level of disappointment (that is already beginning to dissipate) and a lot of personal growth.
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