Those of you who keep up with this blog know that I try to respect other people’s opinions even if they differ from my own and I do my best to keep an open mind when someone challenges one of my political or philosophical beliefs.
However I need to break character for just a moment in order to get answers from a small but growing minority group within this country.
You see I have a two part question I want to ask those of you who have bought or are planning on buying an upside-down Christmas tree. Ready? Here it goes:
What are you smoking and can you score some for me because any drug that makes buying an upside-down tree seem like a good idea has gotta be some really good shit.
I’ve been reading about this new fad in various publications and just the other day they did a feature story about it on San Francisco’s Mornings On Two. On the show the anchorwoman wrapped up the report by saying that anyone who bought one of these trees should be prepared to be the talk of the neighborhood. They then cut to traffic and the traffic reporter (who apparently felt that an unscripted moment was in order) said, “Yes, I can just hear the neighbors now saying, “Hey look! There’s that idiot with the upside-down tree!”
And you know that’s what they’re saying. Hell, it’s what I’m saying.
Now before a whole bunch of you religious studies majors start sending me emails I already know about the people who, in the twelfth century, hung their Christmas trees upside-down from their ceilings in order to form a triangle that was meant to symbolize the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. I also know that claiming that’s the reason for buying an upside-down tree is the equivalent of arguing that hippies burn incense in order to remind themselves of the gifts the three wise men gave to Christ.
I’ve also heard people try to justify the purchase by pointing out that upside-down trees are space savers. I have a four word response to that: Buy a smaller tree.
I can really only think of three believable reasons that a person could give for buying such a tree:
1) They’re insane (I can respect this reason because really, who in this world doesn’t have a few eccentricities).
2) They’re on drugs (see above note).
3) They are so entrenched in their nouveau riche universe that they will happily purchase some messed up tree simply because it’s selling for $599.95 at Hammacher Schlemmer. (If this is you please wake up and smell the eggnog latte. Neiman’s isn’t selling upside down trees and there’s a reason for that).
Of course Americans aren’t the only ones who have lost their minds this holiday season. In the UK black Christmas trees are all the rage. Yes, I said black. Now I understand that a lot of people get very depressed during the holiday season. If you don’t have a family or worse yet, you don’t like the family you do have December can be a tough month. However if you’re bitter feeling surrounding Christmas are so intense that you feel compelled to buy a black tree I want to remind you that there is another (and to my mind, less drastic) option:
And the good news is that you don’t even have to give up Jesus to do it! You could become a Jehovah Witness! That way when your mom calls up and asks you to come over Christmas Eve for a slice of rock hard fruit cake accompanied by a healthy serving of parental disappointment you can say “No can do mom. That would be against my religion.” And as a bonus you won’t ever have to worry about being dateless on
Valentine’s Day again because that holiday will be against your religion too! I honestly think that if the Jehovah witnesses who proselytize door to door led with this info they would get a lot more converts; but I digress.
I want to emphasize that I’m not generally a stickler for the rules and I whole heartedly believe in artistic and stylistic expressions of individuality but there are some things that are just wrong. Christmas trees should be green and the trunk should be on the floor not the ceiling. Even a nice Jewish girl like me knows that.
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