In response to all the emails I’ve gotten regarding Alina’s guest blog, particularly those from my younger readers, I want to emphasis here that I do not, not, NOT think that underage girls should be engaging in oral sex. I don’t think that’s what Alina was trying to suggest either but if you would like to question her directly check out her website and you will find her email address listed there.
I know that for teens, oral sex is becoming an acceptable and, within the high school/middle-school social network, encouraged way of being intimate with your boyfriend. I know that a lot of you (as is evident from some of your emails) are doing this because you’re scared of being alone and ostracized by both your male and female peers who may very well label you a prude or the like. I even know that the justification for all this is that it’s not really sex so you can do this and still claim to be a virgin.
There are a lot of public service messages out there explaining why you should hold off until you’re older before engaging in this kind of behavior and I have no interest in parroting what I’m sure you’ve already heard so let me approach this from a different angle: what exactly are you getting out of this? Do you really love giving blow jobs? Because most women I know don’t. In fact I only know one woman who ever claimed that she had a burning urge to frequently give them to her then boyfriend and that only lasted for a short period of time while she was trying to give up smoking. She had to put something in her mouth so why not?
As a general rule, women (healthy, well adjusted, adult women) give their significant others oral sex because they want them to either return the favor or because they want to get them so excited that they will ravish them in other ways. I hate to say this but more often then not it’s a tool. But teenage boys are inexperienced (no matter what they tell you) and trust me when I say that you don’t want an amateur to return that kind of favor. So if you’re giving your boyfriend blow jobs just because you’re afraid of losing him you need to ask yourself, is it possible that the guy you’re with is worth losing? You’re doing something that, based on some of your emails, you’re clearly not that comfortable with and you’re getting nothing in return! Saying no in this situation does not make you a prude, it makes you self-assured! You’re too good, too cool, too fabulous to allow yourself to be used as somebody’s sex toy. You can hold out until you feel ready to become sexually active and then it can be on your terms, not on the terms of some stupid jock who can’t even spell orgasm let alone give you one.
When you do become sexually active you should feel great afterwards. It should take hours, maybe even days to get that silly grin off your face. If you feel dirty, used or ashamed afterwards something’s wrong. If your “friends” label you a prude because you won’t play that way, if the popular boys won’t date you then fuck ‘em (figuratively speaking). They’re the sheep, you’re the STAR and if you don’t like the movie you’re shining in then pick a different one. Stars can afford to be choosy.
Kyra Davis
http://www.kyradavis.com/
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5 comments:
Kyra,
I'm feeling this post. I remember back to my youth, the high school daze, how there was so much pressure on both girls and boys to have sex.
I look back now and realize that none of us were ready for what we experienced on any level.
I didn't really reach a comfortable, rockstar level, no not with all of the groupies or number count but just during sexual encounters, until my final days in college.
Now, I'm completely comfortable, and I think it has a lot more to do with the stability in my life than anything else. In high school, there's so much pressure.
Not just peer pressure, but pressure from parent to get good grades, pressure to get into college. Kids don't even know who they are, and they're doing things that frankly, they don't know anything about.
But this has been going on for forever, or so it seems. The Blowjob party is common in today's middle school. It's a sick thought, but what can you do aside from hope that those kids parents find a way to put a stop to it?
I guess the thing I worry about more than anything else are these girls/boys self-esteem. You can't feel good doing that at 15 and having people in your school knowing what you're doing. Anyway, I'm out...
Peace,
vickdamone
Kyra,
I have to say that I really GOT Alina's blog yesterday, but as a mother of an 11 year old, I appreciate what I've read from you today, and I am planning to verbalize some of the EXACT things that you said. Thanks for giving me a logical way to handle the issue. I could see myself really fumbling with this one.
It's a hard issue because you want to tell your kids to "just say no." But of course that doesn't work. At a certain point we have to acknowledge that our children are not going to respond to us in the same way a foot soldier would respond to his drill sergeant. They aren't going to do or not do something just because we've issued an order. They are thinking individuals and if we want them to follow our advice we have to explain our reasoning in a way that takes their needs and desires into consideration.
To be honest it's the 12-13 year-olds that I worry about the most. They are just beginning to understand their own sexuality and to start things off with a blow-job party...well I just can't help but feel that something like that is going to screw with both their feelings of self-worth and their developing attitudes regarding relationships and sex.
I used to work for a very popular teen magazine and the sex questions we used to get from teens blew my mind. We had 11- year olds asking whether or not they should have "backdoor" sex. 13-year-olds saying they were tired of giving blow jobs and would it be okay to tell a boy that they didn't want to do it anymore. Other girls wanted to know if once they started having sex -- as they were already doing-- they could stop doing so.
It freaked me out that we got these letters and emails by the thousands every day. and they weren;'t just from white middle class girls. They came from black middle class girls and other young women of color, rural white girls, and city teens.
Many girls are not talking to anyone about this it seems. They are writing teen magazines to get more info!! And as much as I loved this magazine, we should not be the primary source!!!
Frankly, I do not think teenagers should be having sex, lol, AT ALL! If this were my world, I'd surely ban everyone under the age of 17 from having sex. That's just drama they don't need at that age. Worry about getting on the soccer team, NOT whether or not you have an STD.
You’re totally right Joy Princess, a teen magazine shouldn’t be the primary source of information for these girls but the large number of parents out there who don’t know how to talk to their children about this kind of stuff makes those kind of magazines necessary. The trick is to talk to your kid about sex in a way that allows them to come to you when and if they do screw up by doing something they’re not comfortable with. But that’s a hard line to walk.
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