I didn't sleep well Friday night. It had been a long, emotional week and I had felt simultaneously spent and restless. I woke up on Saturday morning, looked in the mirror and literally scared myself. Once upon a time I could stay up all night partying and start the next day looking fresh and pretty. Now that I'm in my mid-thirties the hours lost of sleep leave their mark by painting deep dark circles under my eyes that no amount of concealer can disguise (although God knows I caked that stuff on). I looked tired and drained and I wasn't happy.
Reluctantly I took my son to the morning movie matinee as I had promised him and afterward I took a moment to glance at myself in the mirror. No improvement. To top it off I was having a bad hair day. I reapplied my lipstick and fluffed my hair yet I still ended up walking away from the mirror thoroughly discouraged. Still exhausted I took my son to Starbucks so I could buy him a bagel and cream cheese and myself a large coffee. As I stood in line I tried giving myself a pep talk. Beauty, sexiness and all that stuff comes from within I told myself. If I believe I'm sexy and I can recapture that self-confidence then I WILL be sexy and pretty and all the rest of it. I repeated this to myself silently a few times and then I straightened my posture and lifted my head a little higher. I placed my order and with my son's bagel in hand I half-glided, half strutted to the nearest empty table. I am a self-confident, competent, sexy and desirable woman, I silently chanted. The man at the next table shot me a little flirtatious smile. See! I thought! It's working! My son had perched himself by the window on the other side of the cafe while we waited for my Misto so I took it upon myself to spread the cream cheese on the bagel for him. Unfortunately the cream cheese was melty and I was making a mess of it. I sat down, crossing my legs seductively. I AM sexy, damn it! I silently insisted, Even if I'm unable to correctly spread cream cheese on a bagel and don't have the foresight to grab a napkin before attempting to do so. To prove my point I sucked the cream cheese off my fingers, determined to look more hot than klutzy. I sensed that the man who had smiled at me earlier was watching me and I turned slightly to see if I was right. He was and well...
HE WAS JACKING OFF UNDER THE TABLE AT STARBUCKS!!!!
I immediately realized that I had seriously overshot my goal. I also realized that God has a twisted sense of humor. But mostly I was just irritated as hell. It had been a sucky week, I was having a bad hair day and I had just spent my morning sitting through a kid's movie I hadn't even wanted to see and now this?! Some scuzzy dude jacking off in my place of worship (aka Starbucks)?! No. Enough is enough.
I slammed my hand against the table, glared at him and in a very loud, very authoritative voice said, "Hey asshole, put your penis back in your pants right now!"
Everyone in Starbucks just sort of stopped and the man turned beet red. Who knew it would be that easy to embarrass an exhibitionist? He ran out of the cafe as he stuffed himself back in his pants and everybody at Starbucks started clapping for me. So now not only was I hot but I was a champion! A warrior against perverts everywhere! It was much easier to feel good about myself after that.
But I won't be eating cream cheese off my fingers for a while.
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