A few months ago my bikini waxer became my new neighbor. When I first noticed the property manager giving her a tour I had to stop and think about what that meant for me. Would I have to find another bikini waxer? Was it appropriate to have your pubes waxed by the same person you would be attending block parties with? I wasn't really sure of what the protocol was in this situation. After a few nights of contemplation I figured I'd just ask her. I caught her when she was in the driveway and as soon as I broached the subject a huge smile of relief spread across her face. "See, I knew you weren't bothered by it!" she enthused. "I'm so glad because some people get really weirded out. A parent at my son's preschool recognized me and she was so freaked out by having to see me outside of the salon she pulled her kid out of the school and re-enrolled him somewhere else!"
To be honest I hadn't told her I wasn't bothered by it. She had interjected before I had the chance to say one way or another but now I felt I had to keep her as my waxer on principal. I had never before thought of the social hardships that bikini waxers have to go through and I want my son to know that we don't discriminate based on a person's race, nationality, sexual orientation, religion or bikini-waxing-professional-status. I was sort of thinking that the conversation was over at that point but as it turned out, not so much. She wanted to commiserate on how hard it was to date as a single mom and asked if I was seeing anyone. I admitted I wasn't involved with anyone seriously and she nodded sagely. "I haven't been in a serious relationship in a while," she said. "It's so hard to meet people. I just turned forty and I don't want to do the club scene anymore." I was about to chime in when she added, "I just recently called it off with this guy I went out with a few times because he was a little bit too young."
"How old was he?" I asked distractedly. By this time I knew my son was probably wondering what had become of me.
And immediately she had my full attention. "Eighteen?" I repeated.
"Yeah, he told me he was nineteen but I checked his ID when he wasn't paying attention and he's only eighteen."
Well this of course raised a lot of questions for me. Number one being, if you're eighteen and going to lie about your age why on earth would you say nineteen? Where's the advantage in that? The second question was of course, nineteen isn't too young for her?!?!
"You know, as a mom I couldn't help thinking what I would say if my son at eighteen came home and announced he was going to start an affair with a forty-year old," she went on. "Just didn't seem right so I broke it off."
So now my mind has gone in yet another direction. What would I say if my son were to tell me such a thing once he reached eighteen? I'm not sure how this reflects on me but I'd probably tell him: "Keep it casual, practice safe-sex and take notes because you're about to be schooled." On the other hand if I had a close friend who was dating an eighteen year old there's a good chance I'd smack her upside the head and ask her what she was thinking. Double standard? Probably. But I can't imagine what an eighteen year old would have to offer anyone over the age of thirty. Eye-candy, yes but...well, young guys are like tops. You can spin them all night long but each spin is only going to last for a very short period of time...not that I would know.
She then went on to tell me about the other guy who asked her out recently. "I try not to date clients," she said thoughtfully, "because guys are good tippers and if things go bad in the relationship they'll stop coming to me for their manzilians and this guy...well he asked me out shortly after his waxing but I just don't think I want to risk losing him as a client. Besides, I've seen what's down there and it's not that impressive."
At this point I've completely forgotten that my son is waiting for me. I am absolutely fascinated by this woman's life! And this guy who asked her out, my God the man must have more self-confidence than all of our world leaders put together. Seriously, how many guys would have the conceit to ask a woman out after she had just waxed his balls particularly if his balls weren't all that remarkable? That's chutzpah and I mean that as a compliment.
Since then I've had many more conversations with her. I attended her housewarming/Passion Party and when I have a moment I'll stop and listen to her tales of when she was on the cover of Playboy (quite a while ago now), her aspirations of becoming the star of her own reality TV show (not an uncommon goal here in LA but this woman might actually have the personality to pull it off) and her friend who is a professor of human sexuality with an emphasis on deviant behavior (that's a WHOLE 'nother blog). Since she has moved in I've found myself wondering if other bikini waxers are like this or if she's just special. I suspect the latter. But the thing is I actually like her a lot. My life has become much more entertaining since she became my neighbor.
Still, once my son hits puberty I might consider moving.
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