I frequently gear this blog to those in the publishing world or female readers. But this post is dedicated to all the single guys out there. I’m here to help you out.
See I’ve been talking to my fellow single female friends and as it turns out, the vast majority of you guys are clueless. I’m not sure you’re aware that you’re clueless but take it from me, when it comes to single women, you are. So I figured I’d take this opportunity, early in the day on Friday, hours before you hit the clubs or pick-up that chick whose number you plugged into your phone last week and give you a few basic rules to live by. This isn’t about how to romance a girl or make her fall in love with you. This is just a little cheat sheet that might help you avoid looking like a complete moron. So in no particular order:
Rule #1: If she’s wearing fuck-me-pumps you’re going to have to spring for the valet at the restaurant. If you try to save a few bucks by parking three blocks away from the restaurant those fuck-me-pump will immediately transform into kick-you-to-the-curb-pumps.
Rule #2: If you find a cute picture of a girl on an online dating site read her profile before you email her and WAY before you IM her or have your first phone conversation. Yes, I know, reading is hard. But if she used the first paragraph of her profile to tell you that she spent the previous year traveling all over India teaching people English and you ask her during your first phone conversation if she’s ever been out of the country she’s going to think you’re
A) an illiterate idiot
B) less interested in getting inside her head than getting inside her pants.
Assumption A is a bit unfair...B? Not so much.
Rule #3: If you had a good date with a woman and you want to see her again be sure to contact her within 48 hours of that date. If you’ve already let a week go by you might as well lose her number. She’s busy
Rule #4: Do not make fat jokes about women who are a few sizes bigger than your current date and expect her to feel flattered or superior. Chances are she has been that size at one point in her life or is concerned she WILL be that size at some point in the future. You’re just giving her a complex (and revealing yourself to be a butthole). Conversely, commenting that another woman is too skinny will earn you major brownie points. It’s a girl thing. Embrace the hypocrisy.
Rule #5: If you take a woman out to a restaurant/club/bar do not complain about the price of the entrees/cover/drinks at said locations. You probably picked those spots because you wanted to make an impression and if you complain about the cost you ARE making an impression...a memorable one that will be shared with all her friends.
Rule #6: Don’t brag about your previous exploits with women. This should be obvious but apparently for some of you it’s not.
Rule #7: Put your iPhone or blackberry AWAY! Do not answer the phone, do not text your buddy at work, do not check your email. Just keep the damn thing in your pocket. The only excuse for chatting on your phone during a date is if there is a life or death emergency. Your sister just went into labor, your son killed the babysitter’s hamster. See? Life and death. That’s it. And your pregnant sister and your kid’s hamster-owning babysitter should have a different ring tone so you can pick up for them and ignore everybody else. If you can’t live for three hours without tweeting or Facebooking something then at least wait until she uses the ladies’ room. And remember, she probably has an iPhone too, with a FB app which she’ll be checking while you’re in the men’s room. So if your status update is “hoping to get lucky tonight!” you won’t.
Okay, that’s it. Have a fun weekend and try not to make too much of a fool of yourself. If any of these rules are new to you please print this post out, shrink it down, laminate it and put it in your wallet. The female population of the world will thank you for it.
Bestselling Author of:The Sophie Katz Mystery Series
So Much For My Happy Ending
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